Give me some air...

Last evening, I finally dragged myself outa the house to do some jogging…

When I returned, papa was very excited & told me that he saw him on TV. Papa asked & I cfmed his chinese name is correct. He was interviewed briefly during news timing when they reported on property launches & pple paying high prices for new projects amidst the property sizzle.

I was not surprised to know of him visiting such property launches or making a payment for it. After all, he had always lived the high society lifestyle. I tot that I was prepared to see him in “person” after so many years... I last saw him on 5thAug2008.

Papa had not voluntarily mention his name ever since, though I tried to make papa feel that I am ok with the mention of his name. I would pop his name up for eg. which restaurant he had brought us there before, which movie liked that is same as papa etc… all just so papa will feel that I am ok. But still, papa always avoid mentioning or participating in contributing anything that has to do with him. I looked at Creamie n rembed that Papa had finally succumbed to me keeping pets after decades, cos he couldnt bear to see me continuing to drown in my own sorrow...

When the repeat telecast of the news came on, Linda quickly called to me to watch. To be honest, I was blown away. I did not catch what he was saying on TV, nor was he fatter or thinner. All I noticed was there was another woman beside him & he was wearing a shocking Pink top. I lost my footing, not just for the 10mins after that…for the next 10hrs or more…

I tried to take my mind off by watching Taiwanese romance comedy drama online till 2+am, but I know I was only afraid to be left alone with an unoccupied mind to think of the past….

Knowing him, the woman beside him has only gota be his gf or wife… someone he is very sure of to show off to the world. I was curious if he is happy with this new person. I wanted to know so many things abt him… the life he has now… the life he has, without me… 他过的好吗?

曾经曾经 , we also went to view a property launch… I remb he had deliberately “hide” the brochures in the car 1st becos we ran into some of his colleagues nearby.

曾经曾经, we too shopped for a new soda, new bed, pillow, matteress, bed linens, appliances etc for the new house… I even had the choice of the curtain colours…

曾经曾经, he also once told me that he tot that I will be a gd mother to his children…

曾经曾经… 曾经曾经 now meant nothing. It’s already “曾经曾经…”
Now, he is doing all these for a woman he loves... & the woman is not me....

I duno why, but I wept sadly into my pillow for very long last nite… I said my night’s prayers in tears & ask God to take away all my sorrow… after so many years… have I not already given up?

Although we were only tog for a short time… is 1.5yrs short? I guessed one of the reasons why my heart goes to him is the fact that he had allowed me a glimpse of the future we could have tog… the life, the goals, the family we can share tog… & when all these ideals were not longer feasible… my life feels very “wasted” without him…

A few had come along after him… but none can fill that void he left behind… but yet I know clearly, he is not the right one God has chosen for me… God would have reserved a God fearing one for me… I know deep down, even if things go back to where it was, I would have made the same decision and not look back.

Then why I am I feeling so sad… maybe cos it’s the “曾经拥有”的痛…

I have not cried so much since Cookie’s death… the last time I took the effort to on the indiglo light on my watch, it was 07:04. I experienced something I did again to Starry… Sory Gal, I still cant let u hear “ME” when I am at my weakest… U are too dear to me, I dun wanna let u hear, see, or feel me that way…


When finally decided to get my ass outa bed this afternoon, the 1st thing I did was to flip the newspaper & tried to catch abit more info on him. I found it in the chinese morning papers… “…他和太太…” … so they just put their names down for a 1.58million 2-bedroom apartment in Altez… too much information… enough information.

Now I confirm, 他过的好…很好…

My heart feels alittle 酸酸, alittle 痛痛…

Haiz…豆大姐, 看开点吧!